The adventures of the Fuzluver!

As I look back on this year, I see a year of hardships.

Started off the year very optimistic, job was going well, was looking forward to the year. I had a new manager and although I thought she was a bit “in your face” I figured I could handle it and I did, quite well. As the year wore on, I began to realize how much I truly HATED being in a sales position. I felt like I had a 2 ton anvil sitting over my head all the time and it would come down on me if I didn’t perform to expectations. This really started taking a toll on my health as my blood pressure made a major increase and I ended up on a SECOND medication for it.

As I began to wallow in misery at my predicament, salvation came along! There was a position coming available in a new Service Division in our office. Since I came from a service related background in insurance, I got VERY excited! My excitement turned to absolute bliss when I learned that this position would NOT BE DEALING WITH CUSTOMERS!!!! Talk about WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!

The only drawback was that the salary was considerably LESS than what I was making as a Sales Agent. To the tune of $6000 a year less. (YIKES!!) After much spirited debate with Chris, I decided that even though our income would be cut, it was DEFINITELY worth it for me to make the switch so in June, I made the switch! Absolutely a CORRECT move for me, however as we were later to find out, financially almost a disaster.....

In August, DH (that’s dear husband) was informed by the Social Security Administration that he was no longer eligible for SSDI payments, that he had shown he was working continuously over the last 2 years. Here is the problem and the beginning of our financial landslide. That income, combined with what I gave up when I changed positions, was over $1100 that we no longer had.


So…………….THIS is what panic mode is like!


I had to make some hard decisions and FAST. Since over half of my take home pay was being garnished by the state for Justin’s back child support, my take home was only a little over a $1000 a month. Add that to Chris’ VERY small income and you have a recipe for hard times!

I went over the numbers repeatedly and I just could not come with a solution other than taking a 2nd job, which with my schedule at work just would NOT happen. Chris’ health preclude him from taking a 2nd job, so we decided (ok I decided, and Chris begrudgingly agreed) that the car needed to go back to the bank. The bank absolutely was NOT interested in working with me, simply because of the newness of the loan so they came and got it. I gotta tell ya, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do and I still wonder if I did the right thing. Without the car, I save over $600 a month in payments, insurance and upkeep, not to mention GAS.

So, I’m a DART commuter now. It’s not so bad. Getting to work is a breeze. I leave the apartment by 6am, walk 2 blocks to the stop and I’m on the bus by 6:24. I’m at the train station by 6:30 and on the train by 6:40. I’m in Richardson by 7:00 am, and on the bus to the office by 7:15. Usually sit down at my desk by 7:25 and I start my shift at 8:00. In the evenings, I usually catch the 5:20 train which gets me back to Dallas by 5:45 and I’m on the bus by about 6 which puts me home by about 6:15, including my walk from the bus stop.

Getting around is not so bad. We have LOTS of friends that are more than willing to take us where we need to go, but we still feel funny about asking. Since I was 16 years old, I have NEVER been without a car and it’s a VERY strange feeling. I know after the first of the year we will be looking at getting another vehicle, but I really don’t want to make payments for 5 years on something that depreciates. Probably going to save my $$ for awhile and see if we can put together a nice down payment. It will be much easier since Justin’s back child support will be paid off in January.



That’s right………..PAID OFF.



Basically I get a BIG raise in January and it will most definitely be WELCOME! We can finally start getting on our feet financially.

So yes, I am MORE than ready to be rid of 2009 once and for all and look forward to 2010 and everything it has to offer!

So I'm sitting at my desk today (I work in a call center so I sit on my ass, A LOT) and one of the ladies I work with comes in with a homemade chocolate cake. She asked me if I would like a slice and I politely declined (landmark moment since you NEVER see me turn down chocolate) thinking I would show the same will power some of the contestants from the Biggest Loser showed during their temptation challenge. She looked a bit down but said she understood.

She then proceeded to place the damned thing on a table RIGHT NEXT TO MY DESK! Now, I didn't want to be rude or make her feel bad so I kept my big mouth shut but man oh MAN was I cursing on the inside! I actually got up and walked away from my desk for a few minutes, just to regain my composure. In that time I was gone from my desk, I had the realization that this was MY temptation, MY challenge to see if I could resist that oh so lucious chocolate cake. This was especially bad too guys, it was one of those cakes that was SO homemade you could smell the cocoa.......GROANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Anyhoo, I'm VERY happy to report that not only did I NOT take part in the cake, I didn't even go near it. Everybody kept asking me how was the cake and I just looked up and smiled and said "I wouldn't know, I didn't have any!"

I would say this was a victory today. I proved I CAN resist a temptation such as cake. My biggest fear after giving up smoking was that I would use food as my drug and that is exactly what I did. However, I think I proved today that I don't have to use food to make myself feel good anymore.

Anybody else have a watershed moment like this??????

Good Lord!

Time flies when you're NOT having fun, that's for sure! LJ tells me it's been NINE weeks since I last posted.

Since it's 11:30 at night and I have to be up early for work, I'll give you the Cliffnotes Version.

July 4th weekend: We moved, across the street! Bigger place, better amenities, CHEAPER rent!

August - I finished my training for the new position and hit the phones! Losing $6K a year truly SUCKS, but I do have my peace of mind and my health. My blood pressure dropped 10 points once I was out of sales. What does THAT tell you?

August - Chris lost his SSDI. They said he was working too much. That's $624 a month income we just lost. NOW, things are really tough..........

September - With the accident in April, our insurance was JACKED up over $600 a year! That breaks down to about $88.00 a paycheck (payroll deduction) or roughly $170 a month. With that, plus gas/maintenance and the regular car payment, we are looking at over $600 a month just to keep the car! Even with Chris' SSDI, that would be rough. NOW it's impossible. We talked about it more tonight and trust me, he is NOT happy about it, but the car will have to go back. We would not even spend HALF of that on two transit passes, plus utilizing cabs going to where we need to go. I know I know, it's damned inconvenient, but we're talking keeping the car or keeping the lights on, keeping food in the fridge, that kinda thing. Basic necessities folks.

So far, 2009 has had it's ups and downs. I'll be damned if I dwell on the downs, serves no purpose and it sucks your energy away. 2010 WILL be a better year for us, I know that for a FACT!

Stay tuned............

Don't worry, this is NOT a tribute to Diana Ross....................


Earlier tonight, I had to drive to North Dallas to retrieve some paperwork from a friend of mine. Because his home is in very close proximity to where I grew up, I figured I would drive around the old neighborhood and see what was up. Was I in for a surprise!

First, it's almost like a ghost town up there! Right in the heart of Farmers Branch, at the corner of Valley View and Josey Lane, the retail area is just dead! The shopping mall has maybe 4 or 5 shops in it, everything else is gone. The Jack in the Box where my baby sister got her first job (with a fake id no less!) is now gone. The space where the Albertson's was is still vacant after almost 10 years. It's almost as if the town is dying.

I then decided to drive over to my childhood home. Thankfully, it's looking great and the family that owns it now is taking great care of it. As I was driving by, it suddenly occurred to me that yesterday was my mother's birthday. She would have been 77. A massive wave of sadness hit me and I began to tear up. I decided retail therapy was better so I squashed it down and went to Big Lots. $24.80 later, I was on my way home (hey, I never said I was a huge spender!). All of a sudden, that wave of sadness was now a TIDAL WAVE! I cannot begin to tell you the pure grief I felt and before I knew it, I was bawling like a 2 year old.

Now bear in mind, I've cried lots of times since Mom died. This time was different. This time I absolutely could NOT control it. Waves and waves of grief just pouring out of me and I realized at one point I was screaming my lungs out! In the short span of about 10 minutes, I got out sooooooooooo much pain, it was almost unbelieveable! I've been holding in a lot for a long long time and tonight it came tearing to the surface.

I'm lucky I didn't have a wreck!

I'm now sitting here, writing this and feeling very calm. A calm I haven't felt in years. Could this be the beginning a breakthrough for me?

Stay tuned with me and let's find out!

For the first time in our 14.5 years together, we have a washer/dryer. I am actually EXCITED about this. About a freaking appliance.......what the hell does THAT mean??

Tomorrow is Friday, thank goodness! It's been a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG week and I have about one week of training left before we hit the floor and I am READY! This job will be a piece of cake and I'm very excited about it! I absolutely DO NOT miss sales. Don't get me wrong, I miss the folks I worked with, and we're still in the same office and all. I just don't miss the PRESSURE that comes with that job!

It's been an INTERESTING weekend...............

We'll start with Friday night. I attended the grand reopening of the Dallas Eagle. It really was a wonderful night! Excellent buffet, very cheap drinks (stout too!) and a wonderful fellowship of leatherfolk. Nobody was drunk and rowdy or staggering around, everyone was having a good time! I even got up on stage and congratulated JD and the staff on a job very well done! Around 10:45, I decided I had had enough since I had to be in Austin the next day so I said my goodbyes and hit the road.

Then all hell broke loose...........

Apparently, about an hour after I left, the folks at TABC (Texas Alcohol and Beverage Commission) along with an escort from the Dallas Police Department swooped down and raided the bar. From what I have seen on the news reports, there has been a discrepancy with the alcohol beverage license the Eagle has. Of course there are numerous other "reports" that I'm not going into here, because they are not official and I haven't spoken to either of the owners of the Eagle. Until I do, I won't go into hearsay.......

Now on to happier topics!

As I stated earlier, I got to go to a wedding on Saturday! My dear cousin Gary finally took the plunge after 45 years and we couldn't be happier! This trip to Austin was also a VERY therapeutic trip for me as well.

Let me explain........

I lost my father 5 years ago this October, and that was the last time I saw Gary and all of my other relatives. I realized this weekend that the reason why I had been avoiding seeing any of them was I hadn't dealt with the pain of losing Pop. I shoved it WAY WAY down inside and kept it there (we Robertson's are VERY good at that) and that was just fine for me. When I saw my cousin Fred (Gary's dad), all of that just crumbled. See, Fred is a carbon copy of Pop looks wise, and everything I had shoved down came exploding back up. I was forced to deal with my pain and I DID IT. I couldn't run away this time. THANK GOD I had the love of my family there to support me through it, even if they weren't aware of it. My cousin Lisa said it best, we need to stick together, it seems like our family is getting smaller.

Truer words were never spoken Lisa............

I WILL be getting back to Austin, a LOT more. There is love there, and I'm not going to miss out on it!

It's been eventful the last few weeks!

First, the new job is going GREAT! I have about 3 weeks of training left and then we're off and running! One thing I have realized is that I absolutely HATED being in sales, I really did. The pressure of producing on daily basis, FORGET IT! I may have taken a big cut in pay, but dammit I'm going to be happy with what I do!

Now, the REALLY big news! We moved as of July 5th! That's right, after 15 years in that same, cramped little condo, we have gotten the hell outta there! We moved ACROSS THE STREET! heeheheehehehe, yes we got a BIGGER place, with WASHER/DRYER hookups and LESS rent! I'm sleeping so much better now, it's crazy!!

Got to see our buddy James a couple of weeks ago (jamesalbanybear on here) and it was so great! We had a such a good time with him! James, next time you are in town, the couch is yours baby!

My cousin Gary is getting married on Saturday, so I'll be taking a drive to Austin on Saturday for the day. I haven't seen Gary since Pop died back in '04 so it will be good to reconnect with him. Hopefully I'll get some pics to share with everyone!

Have a GREAT weekend!

Well I've been pretty busy getting settled into training for my new position at Travelers. Yes, that's right, I changed jobs AGAIN! This time, it's a GOOD THING. I discovered this year that my heart just was NOT into sales, at all. It's not that I can't do it, I can and quite well. I just don't like the feeling of pressure when I walk in that door every day to PRODUCE, you know? I got my start in service over 10 years ago, and Travelers is opening a 3rd Party Service Department in the Richardson office. I jumped on it as soon as I could! Basically, I won't be talking with customers (WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!) but rather other companies like mortgage companies, lienholders, banks, car dealerships. Apparently, the regular Service Department took over 30,000 calls such as these in the month of May so the company decided they needed a separate division. I did the normal interview and regular testing (I didn't want any special treatment just because I was a current employee) and BAM, I was offered the position. No, not better money, in fact I took a pay cut. Yeah, Chris is pissed about it, but I HAVE to be happy with what I'm doing, otherwise, what's the use?

I have other VERY exciting news, but I can't disclose that until next week. Once you hear what it is, you'll understand why.

Have a great week!

I am very happy and THRILLED to announce that my friend and club brother, Jeffrey Payne, was announced as the new INTERNATIONAL MR. LEATHER FOR 2009!

Way to go babe! We love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok we saw Star Trek in IMAX last night...........OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!

Talk about a sensory experience! I've not had the pleasure of seeing a movie in IMAX before, what a ride! It was fun, but I doubt I would do it again. I still don't enjoy movie crowds, rude fucking people, WAY overpriced snacks, but at least I can say I did it!

Ok, I know I posted on this already but I LOVE MY NEW CAR! Man I never thought I could get used to being in a car again, but this Fusion has changed my mind! It rides GREAT, gets GREAT mileage (still on the first tank of gas and not even used 3/4 of a tank yet! almost 300 miles now on the same tank!) and is nicely enough equipped that it's a really enjoyable ride.

Chris has been sick with a tummy bug the last few days so I'm keeping my eyes on him. Don't need him getting deathly ill again!

Today is Mother's Day, a holiday I haven't celebrated since 2001. My own Mama passed away in '01, in fact right after Mothers' Day so this is really just another day for me.

Mama, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, but Mother's Day is especially difficult for me. You've been gone for 8 years now and it really doesn't seem that long. I miss you so much, but know that you are in a better place and watching over all of us. I love you Mama!

It would seem my raging has finally paid off. I am now the proud owner of a 2009 Ford Fusion. Have to scoot to work now, but will fill ya'll in later tonight. Stay tuned!

Ok, sorry for the long delay and that cryptic shit I put on my last post. I was in a REALLY REALLY dark place that day and SO glad I got out of it. To make a long story short, there were two individuals who were making my life a living hell as Prez of the Leather Knights. It had gotten SO bad that I was seriously considering the words "FUCK IT!" and leaving it behind me. THANKFULLY, those two individuals are gone now and I can get back to helping the club reach new heights with a new event that is in the works, so stay tuned!

Have I mentioned how much I FUCKING HATE CAR SALESMEN?? OH my gawd ya'll have NO idea the shit I have been through in the last 3 days!

Ok, ya'll all know how Chris had a wreck in the truck last month and the truck was totaled. Now, fast forward. The truck is paid off (thanks to my AWESOME insurance policy that I was smart enough to buy) and we thought we would see what we could get.

WELL............

The one ASSHOLE at Park Cities Ford who basically said this was a done deal was a JOKE and shined us on. The SECOND ASSHOLE apologized for the FIRST ASSHOLE and promised me he would get the job done and that I would hear back from him today. Well guess what? HE DIDN'T FUCKING CALL ME BACK! I called him 4 GODDAMNED times and got voice mail all 4 times.

So, that's it. I'm done. I'm going to wait until after Justin's back child support is paid off this fall, and THEN I will see about finding another vehicle. We have access to a vehicle whenever we need it so when I DO go looking, it sure as HELL won't be at an AMERICAN dealership, they have lost my business for GOOD.

Yeah.............I'm just a little pissed off right now.............

What's the fuckin use anyway?

Jeames Aric Beckham (10/28/1972 - 04/02/2009)

A memorial service for Jeames Aric Beckham will be held at Metropolitan Community Church of Greater Dallas on Saturday, April 18 at 2:00 pm. You can get directions at www.mccgd.org. (This information is corrected from what was printed in the Dallas Voice Article.)

This will be a celebration of Aric's life and the joy he brought to each of us. If you would like to submit a brief quote of a special memory or what knowing Aric has meant to you please e-mail it to lee@doubleedgedesigns.com.

In lieu of flowers, friends are asking that donations in his memory be made to a fund (collected at the service) for an Adopt-A-Tree Memorial in Plano. Alternatively, donations to other causes important to Beckham such as Operation Kindness and local theatres (Uptown Players, WaterTower Theatre) can be made in his name.

Well, quite a bit has happened.............

The biggest thing is Chris had a wreck last Saturday!

Don't worry, he's fine. Not a scratch. The truck? Well, THAT is another story......

Chris was with our friend Mickey heading to Mickey's mother's to take her shopping. They were on I-75 (for those of your familiar with Big D, that's Central Expressway) and all of a sudden, the car next to them has a blowout! He starts weaving, unable to control his car, sideswipes Chris and Mickey, hits the retainer wall again, turns in FRONT of Chris and Mickey (remember, this is all at 65 MPH!) and of course Chris BLASTED him in that F-150! When all was said and done, Chris and Mickey are sitting facing oncoming traffic and the other car is a smoldering wreck........

Like I said before, no one got hurt but the truck is history. Yep. Ol's Brucie has been declared a total loss by my insurance company. Thankfully, I have a replacement endorsement on my policy, which basically means that they are going replace my truck. So, all the money I've been paying in insurance premiums for the last year finally paid off LOLOLOLOLOL.

Seriously, the other guy was indeed at fault, and I'm letting my company go after them for whatever they can get out of them. It takes ALL the stress away from me and Chris, which is ALWAYS a good thing. Because of that, I got FOUR sales today!

There is something to this no stress thing, isn't there...............

Today, I was reminded of why I continue with my fundraising activities. My friend, bigbear451 on here, passed away today. I am saddened to the core.........

Lord have mercy...........

I look at this damned journal every day, tryin to stay caught up on what my friends/buddies are up to and I keep neglecting to post my own damn entry! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!

Ok where do I begin..........

Well, another TBRU (Texas Bear Round Up) has come and gone and yes, we survived it! Dallas was invaded by over 1000 hot, hairy, hunky MEN! Four wonderful days! I was a co-chair of the Vendors Market, where bear vendors come and sell their wares! (Get your minds out of the gutter, not THOSE kind of wares!) I have never seen so many different kinds of items for sale! Jewelry, candles, quilts, PORN PORN PORN and did I mention, PORN?? Also all kinds of T-shirts and other clothing items, it was just so much fun!

Sunday night was the volunteer party at the Eagle. Oh my lord.......we had TOO much fun! Of course there was entirely TOO much alcohol consumed and we ended up back at the hotel eating hordes of room service and just giggling til the wee hours of the morning! Thankfully, I took an additional day off from work and just chilllllllllllllllllllled.

Not much more to share. Work is going great, got picked to serve on the Diversity Council with 4 other individuals from my department. I'm very much looking forward to it.

Til next week...........

What can I say, it was INSANE!

For those of you not in the know, LUEY stands for Let Us Entertain You. It's an annual event put on by the Houston Council of Clubs and it's basically a continuation of Mardi Gras. Here is an except from their website:

"Let Us Entertain You started in 1973, by the Texas Riders in order to 'keep the party going' for individuals returning from Mardi Gras in New Orleans. The following weekend after Mardi Gras was designated LUEY weekend.

In the infant stages, LUEY weekend consisted of a small bar run by those eager to continue celebrating after Mardi Gras. Over the years, other local clubs and organizations have joined forces in hosting this event.

LUEY has grown to its current roster - with more than 1000 registered guests from over 30 states and over 5 countries.

Many years later, the Houston Council of Clubs added the 'Show of Shows'. This event marks the closing of LUEY weekend and is held on Sunday afternoon. The 'Show of Shows' is put on by the member clubs and features a wide range of "entertainment". It has delighted and mortified thousands upon thousands of participants over the years.

There has never been, and still is no registration fee for out of town guests."

This is my first LUEY in 12 years and man oh man I have missed it! It was so nice to see so many folks that I hadn't seen in years! Unfortunately, due to scheduling/work/family obligations, a bunch of us weren't able to stay for the Show of Shows. However, next year we will DEFINITELY be in the house for sure!

Let me get this out there now: Yes I did drink on Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Yes I did get inebriated. However, I did NOT get sloppy like days of old and I did NOT drive. The best part was I was able to cut myself off. Is this going to lead to me drinking on a regular basis again. Hell no. I have too much positive stuff going on in my life for that. However, I believe I am allowed to cut loose every once in awhile, within reason of course...........

and it's starting this weekend with LUEY, or Let Us Entertain You. This is an annual event put on by the Houston Council of Clubs and it's always a lot of fun! Basically, if you live outside of Houston, then there is NO registration fee, you are only responsible for your own transportation, accomodations and such. The cocktail parties and meals are provided! What a deal right? PLUS, there are all sorts of hot men to ogle and grope and sometimes, when nobody is looking, give a proper Texas style pinning to. What's a Texas pinning? Well, I'll just have to show you sometime...............VEG

We had the first membership meeting for Leather Knights since I stepped back up as Lord. We had FIVE new applications for membership submitted. I was completely blown away by that. That means in 90 days we could potentially have 5 new members, WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO! One of those new apps was submitted by Mr. Texas Leather Jeffrey Payne and his partner David.

Now, let me tell you about these two. You will NEVER meet anyone nicer or more down to earth than these two, not to mention they are quite easy on the eyes! I have to tell you what has endeared me to Jeffrey, now more than ever. Jeffrey has his own blog, which he's been detailing the ride that is Mr. Texas Leather. He now will represent Texas at the International Mr. Leather Contest on Memorial Day Weekend in Chicago. Traditionally, Mr. Texas Leather puts on a "Don't Mess With Texas" party for the contest goers, which requires a HELL of a lot of fund raising. I also know that it's always been difficult to raise those funds, because it's hard to get folks to understand what they are donating to.

Jeffrey is different. With the economy being in the crapper, and him seeing the effects first hand due to his employment as an HR manager, Jeffrey doesn't want to throw a party. He said he'd rather do fundraisers throughout the year to help those in our community that truly need it.

OH......................MY.......................GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

A titleholder that actually GETS IT! When I read that on his blog, I almost fell out of my chair! This shows me that he is NOT the typical "sash queen" with the typical "look at me, I won a title!" No, this man truly cares about his fellow man and wants to help.

Jeffrey, you have my support buddy....................

Wow, I didn't realize it's been over two weeks since my last post! Work has been keeping me WAY busy, along with my responsibilities as Lord of the Leather Knights.

We had our annual Leadership Council Retreat in Oklahoma City the weekend of February 6th. It was a very productive weekend and fun-filled too! The weather actually cooperated and was pleasant, if you can believe that! While we didn't get the calendar set, we did accomplish quite a bit with regard to our vision for the club in the coming year. There is a lot of work to do and we have just the group of folks to do it!

I am truly honored to have learned that the new Mr. Texas Leather, Jeffrey Payne and his partner David (I'm sorry, I don't know David's last name) will be attending our first General Membership meeting of the new year with the intent of joining! Although I don't know them yet, their open and friendly personalities were an immediate draw to me and others. They even attended the Anniversary Dinner, which blew me away!

This brings me to the Leather Knights itself. In a recent posting, I made some rather harsh comments regarding the state of the club at the time I stepped up as Lord. After re-reading that post, I realized how bitchy and condescending those comments could be construed as and I just wanted to make amends for that. My predecessor did the absolute best he could under the circumstances he was faced with and I cannot and will not blame him for it. He is to be commended for keeping the club going in uncertain times and I will always be grateful to him for that.

Chris made it through another Valentines' Day! Incredibly, he was done ON Valentines' by 1:30 in the afternoon! Seems that all the last minutes guys made their way through and the shop was dead by then, so his boss let everyone off! He came home and absolutely collapsed, the poor guy. I couldn't even get him to join me at the Teddy Bear Auction put on by the Dallas Bears, which by the way was a wonderful time. The Dallas Bears raised $3102 for their Texas Bear Round-Up Charities and did it in less than 3 hours! Afterward, we went to On the Border for fajitas, yum yum yum!

Today we spent the afternoon with our buds John and Shane out in Arlington. We hadn't seen them since before the holidays and we were needing to see our buds! Nice relaxing afternoon, cooking on the grill and enjoying each others company. Doesn't get much better than that!

Busy week ahead! Third week of the month so production is ON. I really want to make 3rd tier of bonus so I have to REALLY step my game up now. It's so funny, here I was thinking I knew everything I needed to know on how to be successful in the insurance game. Turns out, I wasn't even close! I'm SO grateful to be learning the things that I'm learning that's only going to help my career!